Can I be honest with you guys? I apologize for the novel, but I’m having an AHA moment and feel it might benefit someone else if shared.
Lately I’ve had various triggers going off in my life that for me, naturally spur on depression. Namely fear. One of the triggers is this prompting that it’s time to get a home loan and stop renting. I know my kids deserve that stability. But quite honestly? IT SCARES ME TO DEATH. We haven’t had a loan in over five years.
The last time we had a home loan we lost everything. We literally were facing homelessness. My heart still aches to think of the Christmas Mack and Andi got fruit snacks from the dollar store as their gifts. I thank God my kids were younger then cuz they didn’t know any better. They didn’t know WHY we had to move. They didn’t know why our cars were taken away, and why mommy was selling furniture online for a little bit of money.
But now?? My kids are older. NOW if that were to happen, my kids would know exactly what’s going on, and it could have a significant impact on who they are, and the sense of security they grow up with. As a mom, can I just say I don’t want to screw up my kids?? I don’t want to EVER go through what we went through before cuz it would be a HUGE DEAL for my kids now. They deserve better.
Renting or leasing has been the safe bet the past five years. And even though I feel it’s the right thing to apply for a home loan, I’m scared. That, plus some other big life decisions and changes, has brought to the surface a bundle of emotions.
I’ll be honest – I haven’t been responding to these resurfaced fears in the best way. I haven’t been the kind loving wife, or patient soft spoken mother that my family deserves. Enter GUILT. The number trigger for my good old friend ——> depression.
Just today I met up with my cousin for lunch as she’s in town for a few days. She said something that really hit a nerve. She pointed out that we get to honor the person that we WERE, because it got us to where we are today. So when we face old familiar triggers like fear or guilt or stepping into the unknown, we can HONOR the natural reactions that come up! Cuz those are the defense mechanisms that got us through the hard times.
We can acknowledge it, feel gratitude for that knee jerk reaction because it worked in the past, but recognize that it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s needed anymore.
So right now, right here, as I sit in a parking lot in downtown Phoenix with tears streaming down my face, I’m choosing to show myself some mercy.
I’M JUST LEARNING. I’m learning how to TRUST the promptings from God. I’m learning how to HONOR and show gratitude for the natural reactions I’ve had that have assisted me in SURVIVING some pretty hard times in my life. And I’m learning how to choose DIFFERENT reactions so I can honor my life commitment to God to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
I can do this. And you know what? You can too. You can RESPECT and HONOR the person you’ve been in the past and the survival mechanisms you’ve picked up along the way. And then you can acknowledge the opportunity to choose something different. No need for guilt or shame. Just keep moving forward.
1. ACKNOWLEDGE IT
2. FEEL GRATITUDE
3. RECOGNIZE IT’S NOT NEEDED
4. CHOOSE MERCY
5. TRUST YOUR LEARNING