The fear of success and the fear of judgement are REAL

I know a big part of setting and achieving goals is VISUALIZING how it will FEEL when you accomplish that goal.

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I sure thought I had done that, but MAN was I in for a big surprise when I actually hit my big goal!!!!

I was a mess. Like, ONE BIG EMOTIONAL hot mess. 😭 No happy tears going on. Instead of the anticipated JOY and ELATION I was filled with FEAR and PANIC. Anxiety to the max. No smiles to be found. Only snot filled ugly crying, and me sitting on a hotel bed trying to catch my breath in between sobs.

It just didn’t make sense. I was so confused.

I was NOT anticipating that emotional response from myself WHATSOEVER.

And I didn’t feel I could share how I really felt with anyone. So I just stacked SHAME on top of the confusing heap of emotions. “Who’s going to have sympathy for me when I just hit this big goal?? They will legit think I’m crazy. AM I CRAZY???!! My heck, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!”

I don’t believe I have ever publicly shared the truth of that day and how I felt cuz I was so annoyed with my own reaction.

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Here was my dilemma….

I woke up that morning officially a member of Beachbody’s Million Club. You earn your way into that club by earning a cumulative of a million dollars in the business.

How terrible huh? I’m kidding. I know it sounds ridiculous. I knew in the moment it was suppose to be a happy day. So I did my best to pull myself together, and wrote this post instead of focusing on the anxiety that was consuming me….

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But I’m going to share with you guys the REAL RAW TRUTH of that day….

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I had been a coach for 42 months at that point. And of course I knew that day was coming, that wasn’t a surprise.

But on the same hand I had not let the reality of what I was earning sink in. I just didn’t think about it.

We didn’t drastically change our lifestyle beyond moving to Arizona. We were still renting a house. Still driving our old van we bought in cash years prior. Still using my excel sheet to track expenses. Still buying from the sale racks and getting excited over emailed coupons. I JUST DIDN’T THINK ABOUT THE PAYCHECKS.

But on the morning of my Million Club day I couldn’t HIDE from it anymore. And OWNING the reality of making money suddenly made me worry - “Does this mean I’m a bad person??”

I NEVER would have used the phrase “You’re a bad person if you make money” -or- “If you make money you won’t make it to heaven.” If you had asked me if I believed those things my quick response would have been “HECK NO!”

And yet, suddenly those subconscious beliefs were coming to the surface and felt like REALITIES.

I felt CONDEMNED by God, like I wasn’t going to make it to heaven now. And I feared the JUDGEMENT from my peers, my friends.

I hadn’t shared publicly what my paychecks had grown to. The last time I had shared they were around 5 grand a week. Obviously they had grown quite a bit and I was TERRIFIED for people to know that.

But I woke up knowing TODAY EVERYONE WILL KNOW! It made me SICK to think about.

 This image pretty accurately describes my experience with fear of success.

This image pretty accurately describes my experience with fear of success.

I feared everyone is going to judge me unworthy and criticize ALL my flaws cuz that’s what people do to successful people - they pick them apart and try to deem if they are worthy or not of that kind of success.

I knew this from an early age. I distinctly remember as a kid how uncomfortable it made me to see tabloids and observe how QUICK people were to judge famous people and super wealthy people. These were human beings!, and yet they weren’t being treated like human beings, it’s as if the public deemed all the super wealthy and famous people now FREE TO OPENLY JUDGE. I felt bad for the famous super wealthy people for the judgement placed on them. And I decided then that I never wanted to be famous. I told myself it was okay to make lots of money though, as long as nobody knows about it. ;) Those were distinct feelings I had as a kid.

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Now unless you’re in this network you might not understand this next part…. but at this time when I went to Beachbody events people would come talk to me and ask to have their photo taken with me. People I had never met somehow knew my name and it felt like they knew everything about me. I wasn’t flattered by this, I felt BAD that I didn’t know them back! I felt like a horrible person cuz they took the time to know me and I should know them too!! I was humbled and grateful to think I could inspire someone or touch someone in a meaningful way enough so that they would ask for a photo with me. But to be honest, it also felt super awkward. It’s like there can be this Beachbody culture of “famous coaches” and I didn’t like being considered one of them, not in the slightest.

All of this came to a head on that morning and I was so surprised by the tangle of challenging beliefs, and unprepared on how to process those emotions.

I did go home and read a really great book called The Legacy Journey by Dave Ramsey. It’s a biblical approach to wealth and such a great book that helped me feel so much peace on the God/religion side of things. Surprise surprise - being poor doesn’t equal being humble. 😜 I worked thru that, assumed I was GOOD with it all, on with my life.

But I kind of forgot to address the fear of my friends and peers judging me for success.

And I haven’t realized that until NOW. 🙁

If I’m being honest with myself, I’ve been playing SMALL ever since that Million Club day. I’ve essentially diluted myself to pull out of the spotlight. Self sabotage at it’s finest.

(And I’m just making this connection as well, but six months after this happened I was in a doctors office frustrated at my lack of energy and sudden unexplained weight gain. I found out I have hypothyroidism and eventually learned I also have an autoimmune disease called Hashimotos. My body is literally ATTACKING my thyroid. I wonder if I started this internal attack on myself to compensate for the immense inadequacy I felt? Attack self before others attack me? Could that be possible?)

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I definitely changed from that moment on. Months later we moved to a new neighborhood. As I met my new neighbors and those in our new church family I didn’t want people to know about my business. So I didn’t friend anyone on social media cuz I didn’t want people to see me as “Brigitte the successful Beachbody coach.” I wanted people to just see ME. If someone happened to know and asked about my business I would respond in the most simple way, COMPLETELY downplaying myself so I was careful to not make them feel uncomfortable, and then I’d quickly asked them a question to change the topic away from me.

I still do this.

And I kind of struggle with the best approach because I really DO want to be a humble person. I want to stay close to God. I don’t feel money makes me a better person or gives me a higher value as an individual and I would CRINGE if I ever came across that way. But is it neccessary to discredit myself and downplay myself and what God has done in my life in the name of humility?

So I’m having these awarenesses today, but what’s the solution OUT of this habit? Is this new awareness enough?

Is there a way to BOLDLY share this opportunity without putting myself in the spotlight?

Is it possible to give this business and these products the ATTENTION they deserve without bringing the spotlight back on ME?

Or do I just have to be okay knowing where I stand, and allow myself to be judged and criticized by people who haven’t made the effort to actually get to know ME?

And how the heck do I be humble but not downplay myself? What does that even look like?

I really have no clue. If you have insight I’m all ears.

But I DO know this business is LEGIT. It’s as relevant as it’s EVER been. I don’t feel I have shared that enough lately! I don’t want to play SMALL anymore.

So HI, this is me. And I’m stepping into my truth! I’m a stay at home working mom who LIKES working and I’m sick and tired of other moms trying to shame me as if I can’t be a good mom AND successful at work just because THEY told themselves it’s one or the other. It’s not an either/or scenario!

And YES, I’ve had lots of success in this business. But I’ve had failures too! I’m a flawed human being who has feelings. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. If you want to judge me then, well, I get to be okay with that. #workingonit

And one last thing I want to share….. Can we all just acknowledge that money doesn’t CHANGE who you are, money is simply energy?? So if you have lots of money it only AMPLIFIES who you are. I think I’ve always understood this part of it so I haven’t been afraid of MAKING money initially, only people knowing I make money. 😉 But money is a good thing! It is simply energy, and increased energy {aka increased money} only amplifies what’s beneath the surface. Like how it AMPLIFIED my fear of judgement and condemnation and desire to be GOOD and accepted by God. Make sense?

Anyways, if you made it this far, thank you. This was actually quite therapeutic to write out. 😉 And maybe if you’re playing small in your life you can know you’re not alone in drawing a line in the sand, and making a conscious effort to SHOW YOUR LIGHT.

I’M READY FOR A NEW SEASON OF LIFE!!!!

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"Beachbody does not guarantee any level of success or income from the Team Beachbody Coach Opportunity. Each Coach's income depends on his or her own efforts, diligence, and skill. http://tbbcoa.ch/TBB_SOICE."