This has been on my heart for awhile now to talk about, but I'm still gathering my thoughts and putting them into words.  So bear with me on this.   

Here's the reality.... I have to admit I have a problem yelling at my kids.   It's so embarrassing to even admit that and share that with you guys.  I don't think I'm a MONSTER by any means, I don't see yelling as an everyday thing.  But it's enough that my kids aren't surprised to hear me yell.  And I have had my share of epic meltdowns where I essentially threw a temper tantrum yelling at my kids.    

Not how I envisioned I would be as a mother!  As a child I VOWED I would be the cool & calm & collected mother.   Oh how I had such grand visions of the mother I would one day be!   


These last few months it has been EVEN MORE on my heart to RELEASE that habit and create a new one.   I’ve been praying so much for help in this.  And coming into the new year I only set two goals regarding my family - and changing the culture of yelling is one of them.  Cuz *no surprise here* my kids yell at one another and back at Jayson and I as well.   Monkey see, monkey do.  

I had a huge break thru with this yesterday.  This break thru occured during a therapy session.  I call it therapy but a better word might be "energy processing" cuz it's definitely not typical talk therapy.  I meet with a lady at Institute of Healing Arts in Utah via the phone and it's been so helpful for me in unveiling & releasing subconscious beliefs I'm holding onto from experiences in the past.  

SO, in this process yesterday I was releasing all this anger towards self in a visualization.  And in this visualization I saw myself yelling and yelling at self.  And all of the sudden it hit me - I ACT OUT to my children what I do to MYSELF internally.   

I have this habit of judging SELF.   It was introduced to me at an early age and reinforced over and over again and I just EMBRACED that behavior for years and years.  Even as I heard people talk about positive self talk I would nod my head in agreement, but deep down didn't feel it was for ME.  Cuz judging self served a few purposes...

One being, I felt I needed to judge myself harshly to be worthy of God's love.   And second - I felt the only way I would ever improve is if I berate myself SO THEN I can be motivated to change!   


I told myself I could be SO NICE to others, and be kind and accepting of others, but TO MYSELF - boy I held myself to such a HIGH STANDARD that I was constantly NOT acheiving.  

I have lived with so many side effects of self judgement.  From low self esteem and depression to now dealing with an auto immune disease {yes I feel that's connected, attacking of SELF now manifested in a physical disease}.  But NOW I CAN SEE this is ALSO affecting.... those around me I love most.   

And all this time I viewed me yelling as a bad habit towards OTHERS that I need to nip in the bud.  Nah - it starts with me internally.   

If I EVER had motivation to FULLY RELEASE this habit of self judgement it would be now.  

Trust me, I've worked at this for years now.   I keep thinking "I've got it!"  I'm SO NOT the same person I was years ago, I feel I HAVE improved in this area in big ways.  But as I continue in therapy I can see it's such a process!  I'm still unravelling the WEB of habits that were engrained for years and years and years.   I am constently learning what it means to truly forgive accept and love SELF.   

But this awareness changes everything.  I simply CAN NOT accept ACTING OUT to my kids what I do to myself internally.  And in my heart I just KNOW if I can be kind to MYSELF first interally - and fully forgive all the little things I have done wrong in the past, I won't yell at my kids.   

It starts with how I talk to ME, first.   

Sharing for a few reasons.  Namely I don't think I'm alone in this!   I have met so many women like me who have essentially perfected the art of self criticism.   They {we} are SO AWARE of all the things we have done that aren't perfect.   But friends.... ladies.... as our kids get older they do what we do!  You know all those things that you haven't forgiven yourself for?  The silly little things that don't really matter? Well your kids are going to do those things as they get older!  So as your kids get older it's going to be REALLY HARD to not see YOURSELF there doing the SAME STUPID mistake, and ACT OUT the very thing you did to yourself internally back then.  

Make sense?   

Our kids, the people around us are mirrors!  And as much as we think we can be KIND and LOVING to others and tear ourselves up inside, we can't.   Negative self talk eventually spills out.   


I'm ready to FULLY ACCEPT the silly little mistakes, the big whopper mistakes, and everything in between that I have done over the course of my life.  I know I did the best I could throughout my life.  And it's OKAY.  God isn't judging me.  I don't need to judge myself, it's OKAY.   And it's okay for my KIDS to do those same little mistakes too.   As I accept ME, I accept THEM.

If I see something that bothers me or rubs me the wrong way it's a chance for me to ask myself "is this something *I* do that I haven't yet accepted in me?"  Cuz I believe the only way anything has the power to bother me is if I haven't forgiven MYSELF for doing that same thing.   

I'm ready for SELF POSITIVE TALK, all the time.  Cuz if the growth of a plant is impacted in a positive way as it is exposed to kind words - just IMAGINE the impact on a human being.   

And it starts with ME.