Fear, a colonoscopy, and self annoyance.

Fear is a very very powerful thing.  

I'm learning it can just about drive me crazy.   And it invites in a slew of emotions and behaviors I'm not proud to own.  

And to know, the fear that has consumed me for the past few months wasn't based in any reality is just bizarre.   

You see, lately....  I've had this heavy fear of cancer.   

 

Long story short, I've had some issues since August that lead me to be concerned about colon cancer.  

My schedule has just been insane though. So getting in with the various doctors has just been pushed out and delayed much longer than normal.   

Meaning...... For about two months I've been living in this space of the unknown..... convinced I either have cancer, or I must be going crazy.   

As much as I have tried to think of anything else, that fear has been there, never ceasing, always the shadow in the back of my mind, distracting me from being present and aware of the now.  

 

After meeting with some doctors I finally was scheduled for a colonoscopy.   

 

The colonoscopy was this morning.  

The actual procedure was painless. Well I was sedated, so it was basically a 20 minute nap.  The extensive prep on the other hand, THAT has been less than fun.  💩😲🙈

But I'm so grateful to report I do NOT have cancer.  🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼

I say this with so much sensitivity for those I know who ARE struggling with cancer or have loved ones struggling.   I don't know why we have to suffer sometimes.  But my heart goes out to everyone affected by cancer. 😔

I can't say I know what it's like to have cancer.  But I love many who have.   All I know is what it feels like to hear a doctor say it's a real possibility.   And to live in that space of not knowing, wondering, worrying, living in fear.  

It feels like such a twilight zone looking back on these last few months.  There were so many beliefs and emotions that surfaced that I didn't realize I had.   

 

I evaluated relationships.  

I evaluated my beliefs and faith.  

I evaluated work. 

I evaluated where my time is spent.  

 

And I asked myself a lot of tough questions.  

 

Who are the people that reciprocate a friendship?   Who are the people I can trust in hard times, and good?   Do the people I love most get my best?  Where are these symptoms coming from?  Have I truly forgiven those from my past that hurt me?  Have I forgiven myself of wrong doings?  Do I believe God wants me to suffer?   

 

The thing that's embarrassing in sharing this is I'm ashamed I haven't been able to control my mind better.   

Every morning I would journal and it looked a lot like.... "I'm scared I have cancer.  I'm feeling depressed right now.  And I'm annoyed with myself for feeling depressed cuz I know better.   I'm annoyed I'm not handling this better.  I mean I don't even know for sure!!!  So what is my problem?!  I should be able to control my thoughts and emotions better.   Why can't I handle hard times like so-and-so?  Why do things affect me so deeply?   Why can't I just shake this off?"

Apparently there's still some deep seeded self hatred that I haven't cleared.  

Apparently there's room for growth.  Room for more love and self acceptance.   

 

The feeling of depression came so quickly.  I can feel how easy it would be to stay in the depression and make home there. 

But I WANT to rise above.  I want to address the deep seeded fears and beliefs that surfaced these last few months and clear them and NOT get comfortable in the old familiar feelings of depression.   

I just have to be honest, it feels hard right now.   

Really, I should be quite elated to learn I don't have cancer.   And I WANT to be that person just feeling pure JOY right now and gratitude.   

But instead I feel kind of numb.  Dumbfounded.  Confused. Drained.  And quite honestly, annoyed with myself for not feeling more gratitude and joy. 

I want to be strong.  

I want to live each day with gratitude.  

I want to keep moving forward.  

I want to choose happiness in ALL things.  

I want to learn how to release this sadness that surfaced and just be free of it for GOOD, for life.   

So there you have it.   What life has been like for me lately.  I've felt disconnected from my own life these last few months and those in it, consumed in an alternate reality of what could be.  I think I need to get this OUT there so I can reconnect and move forward.  

But who knows cuz leaving the doctors office today I signed a paper promising I wouldn't drive today because of the anesthesia they gave me.  Maybe they should have had me sign a paper to not blog.   Lol.  Guess we'll see how I feel about this post come tomorrow.   ;)

But regardless, I'm sending so much love tonight to all those suffering.   They say everyone is battling an hard trial and I think that's true.   

So let's be KIND to everyone we meet and shower people with true love cuz you never know what they are dealing with behind the scenes.  ❤️❤️❤️