I have a long history of depression. The kind of depression that engulfs every moment of every day, for years and years and years .... to the point where the only relief you see is in dying. 

I've been off anti depressant medication for 5 years now. But make no mistake about it- in the last 5 years there have been many times I have felt {what I call} STRONG TRIGGERS pulling me back to that old familiar state of depression. 

This would be one of those times. 

Here's the thing- I have learned in all my personal development and seminars and therapy that it doesn't work for me to ask myself what I FEEL like doing and act on THAT. 

What works for me is to ask myself what I WANT to feel, and then focus on taking actions steps to CREATE that feeling. 

But quite honestly, I haven't even DESIRED to be happy these last few days. Call it mommy guilt, call it a lifetime history of depressive habits, call it post trauma, but right now I just want to be sad and not have anyone tell me how I SHOULD be feeling. I want to curl up in a ball and fill buckets of tears. I want to yell and scream and throw a fit. I want to be mad and angry and frustrated. Both with myself, and with God. And there's the part of me that feels this is what I DESERVE to feel too. 

Creating happiness and peace? The last thing on my mind. 

Yesterday, as I drove away from the hospital with Mack & Andi, I cried. I thought it was okay with the kids behind me - there was no way they could see my face from where they were sitting in the car. So I quietly sobbed. My daughter is in so much pain because of me!! I cut off my daughters finger with my skate!! I can't even explain how it feels facing that reality. 

As I gained a little composure, I turned to look at Mack & Andi while waiting at a stoplight. Mack was crying. 

But there's no way he had seen or heard ME crying. And yet I knew his crying was related to mine. I just knew in my heart Mack could FEEL the energy I was dwelling in, and he was absorbing it. 

That's when it hit me. 

*I* may not even WANT to be happy right now. But I have three little kids. And they are going to absorb my energy, whether I like it or not. 

If I let the negative emotions take over, dwell in the sadness- it WILL affect my kids. But if I can use the tools I have acquired over the last couple years and CREATE peace and happiness---- my kids will focus on that and this won't be AS traumatizing for THEM. 

I found my motivation. 

So 5 am wake up call- check. A morning workout- check. Now I will shower and get ready. Do my personal development. Read my scriptures and pray. Find an early morning church so I can partake of the sacrament. Then switch places with Jayson so he can attend church with the kids. I will eat clean. Focus on what I am grateful for. ~~> That is my to-do list. 

I'm going to CREATE the feeling of happiness and peace. 

Because my kids deserve that feeling in our home.