MOMMY GUILT CAN TURN INTO GRATITUDE

I'm am over thinker, I know that. I analyze things. I think & write down my feelings to work through them and move forward. If that bothers you, just skip posts like this or unfollow/unfriend me already. I'm getting to the point where I'm over the judging opinions of people who feel I should handle life's experiences the way they want me to. 

This is me. Take me as I am, or leave me be. 

THIS is my story of mommy guilt. Due to the number of private messages I've had from mommies who can relate to mommy guilt, I feel compelled to share a few thoughts. ⠀

December 23rd {the night of this photo} I cut off my daughters finger in an ice skating accident. I completely sliced her pinky in two pieces. I will spare you the details of the images that are forever embedded in my mind. But I will tell you I was horrified. It was a nightmare. And I was OVERCOME with debilitating mommy guilt. 

The guilt was deep rooted. My lifelong fear and belief that I'm going to ruin my kids and cause them to need YEARS of therapy on MY behalf was {in my mind} solidified by the event. 

The facts kept running through my mind on repeat. I cut off my daughters finger. She was confined to a hospital bed for two weeks because of something *I* did. An intense surgery, leeches, blood transfusions, pain, tears... lots of tears, so much pain & so much sorrow… all because of me. Not to mention the emotional damage inflicted on my older two kids. 

I felt I couldn't even QUANTIFY the long lasting negative effects of this accident on all three of my children. 

But....

I see things differently now. But, it was a process. 

It started with a seed of doubt in my limiting belief that "I'm a bad mom". You can read about that here: https://www.facebook.com/notes/brigitte-linford/releasing-limiting-beliefs/10206617808856365

Then, I got a random message on Facebook from someone I barely even know, an acquaintance in the Beachbody network, an angel. She said “Perhaps God was protecting Phoebe from something greater in enormity of tragedies.”⠀

Maybe others had said the same thing earlier, but it was the right message and the right time. When I read that message it's as if clouds dissipated in my mind, and a sigh of relief swept through my body. My spirit resonated with a new idea...... “Maybe I actually saved my daughter’s life?”

I don’t know if I saved her life, but my mind was opened to the possibility of something SO MUCH worse happening that night. What if she had fallen and snapped her neck?... Paralyzing her for life? What if she had fallen and another person's skate had rammed into the side of her head causing brain damage? What if she had been poked in the forehead and her face forever mangled? What if a skate had gone into an eye causing her to be blind? 

What if I had struck a deal with God himself, telling him I would slice off her finger if He would but spare her life? What if that was true? My spirit and mind and heart want to stay in that line of thinking at least… 

So while I can’t change the experience, so much has changed. What has changed is how I'm INTERPRETING the experience and giving it meaning. And I feel completely different. Night and day difference. Where there was mommy guilt and anguish, now there is gratitude and appreciation. 

I will tell you I feel I was on the brink of a deep dark depression. A feeling I knew WELL for years and years. From my standpoint, I looked depression square in the face, and I turned the other way. 

Sure, it wasn't an automatic response, but I got there. And next time my response during times of trial will turn positive quicker, and then quicker, until it's automatic. Because that's how it works. 

.........

So for those that have asked how I'm doing?…. 

I am doing good. 

I am at peace. 

And yes..... I'll even say...... I'm grateful for this experience, this event, and God's grace through it all. 

God is good.